,

Amore

A Poem on a Queer Teen’s Journey in Love


This poem is inspired by women-loving-women who conquer internal and external homophobia everyday, and to the ones who are hopelessly romantic yet still fighting for acceptance of who they are. This is for you.

Edgar Allan Poe once wrote

“But we loved with a love more than love”

Well I loved her more than me

I loved her more than shining stars

All above the sea.

***

Girl #1 was not the lucky one

At least not for me

Girl #1 was the one you saw on the other side of the battlefield

in more ways than one.

Smelled of Macy’s perfume by the entrance

Skin like cream with spots of candy

A head of secrets

Unreadable eyes, narrowed times too many

The whole time I knew her,

I wondered how her appearance would fit with mine.

Who is the tall? Who is the small?

Who is the one who has to pretend they are someone they aren’t?

Isn’t that how (this kind of) love is supposed to be?

But I knew what I was when she looked at me.

And I knew I cared too much.

The eyes that analyzed drove me to insanity

What is going on through your brain?

What are you thinking of when you stay too close to me?

What do you want to do when you know I want you closer?

And as the seasons slowly changed, my love for her did not but the suspicion in me only grew

That the warmth of her orbs was merely cold in disguise,

the best she could do

And it was true.

I was right.

In the silence of life I wondered

Was this the best I could do?

Girl #1, Girl #1,

held my hand

just to toss me in the trash.

What a small accessory I must have been to the likes of her.

Feeling unbearable agony when she

never gave

a second thought

about the way I cared for her

Nights in the past owned me,

And I remember thinking that nothing about this was dainty or delicate

Because two girls get put through an even smaller wringer

Because this was not a warm fireplace, but a fire that traps you on the top of a building

And still I said

Edgar Allan Poe once wrote

“But we loved with a love more than love”

Well I loved her more than me

I loved her more than shining stars

All above the sea

Walking through amusement parks only rehashes the memories, the thought, and the scathing reality that

I will never truly know how she felt about me.

For she was an enigma more complex than all the galaxy’s galaxies (except I could have untangled it all with one question)

A combination of my own loneliness and fear of confrontation bred never knowing

Sitting in theater 10 only reminds me of the lines of her palm

Walking down that street only forces me to remember the brush of your shoulder

And seeing you so close but so far only makes me taste rust in my mouth.

Alcohol only reminds me of her telling me that she met someone else,

When we were never something to fight for in the first place.

At least, not for her.

But still,

I never asked.

Feeling the sadness of now,

typing this in the dead of night,

only briefly brought me back to Girl #1.

Girl #2 never fit quite right

Looking back at it now, maybe I was forcing two uncomplementary puzzle pieces together just because they were the last ones in the box

She could fight but not for me, because she was already with another but I could never seem to get over the smile on her cheeks.

I could never seem to get over the darkness of her skin

Or the way she said “I love you.”

What are words

if you don’t even mean them when you say them?

I would have done anything for this one at that time, for I was completely and utterly

Infatuated

With the image of someone so different, so pure

With the idea of her on my arm

Such contrast to what came before.

I started to realize that I would never get into something like this if I wasn’t giving my all

And I did give my all

but kept it all of it to myself.

I could never have risked exposure

The amount of disapproval keeps me up at night because I thought

constantly

about her and how she would feel in my arms

The state of being mine

Reciting over and over and over

Edgar Allan Poe once wrote

“But we loved with a love more than love”

Well I loved her more than me

I loved her more than shining stars

All above the sea

and I start to wonder

Is that really such a sin?

I kept thinking of her and thinking of her until I realized that I not only was putting my all in

But getting nothing in return.

I kept thinking about her and thinking about her until

Nothing

At this point I have given up on love entirely,

maybe because I’m too dramatic.

Or maybe because all the energy I have devoted to these types of things has completely drained me

Maybe because I am so sick of no one wanting me like I want to be wanted, ever since I can remember

Maybe because I am so tired of not being able to use my feelings to make someone feel loved.

Instead I am stuck here yet again.

Just me and the dead of night.

I cannot express my love to someone because every time I have, and yes, I have,

(in categories Boy #-1 and Boy #-2)

when I didn’t even know what love was

Because every time I have,

I am hit with disgust

I look myself in the mirror and wonder

Am I really

     that

undesirable?

Will someone ever love me

like how I will love them?

I guess not.

Girl #3

They seem to be getting less and less attractive!

This is called “drastically lowering standards!”

But there was something there,

And no matter how small it was, it mattered to me.

Because

I aim to love and strive for someone who is not better than I but rather someone who completes me.

I need a sun to my moon because the work I’ve been admiring all along has turned out to be a fraud.

I wish,

And I hope,

And I lay in bed with my eyes set on the sky beyond the walls

And I need with all my being – someone to love and someone who will love me.

I want to be loved with a burning passion

that is similar to the kind I can give.

I wonder if I will ever find someone.

I imagine that I will, though I don’t know how.

How do I-

How.

Because I see those who do it so easily and it’s like a chore because I am never the one who swept off my feet.

I want to be, I am a city with fire and life in my bones and base and I want to scream with everything that I am “YES! I AM COMPLETE!”

The city never sleeps and never finds one, single one,

Which brings me back to Girl #3.

I will never know

What it was about her.

She talked funny with some words

She never really said hi to me

But when I saw her

Smile

It’s there.

Temporary fling.

She fell asleep on my shoulder

It was just us,

Alone on the hallway on the ground

I wanted to hold her hand,

I didn’t.

I closed my eyes,

And woke up from the fantasy that would never be.

She had my shaky hands writing on the desk words to infinity

Edgar Allan Poe once wrote

“But we loved with a love more than love”

Well I loved her more than me

I loved her more than shining stars

All above the sea

Girl #3 was never much

But she possessed my dreams

Girl #3 embodied everything that I never had.

And just like a dream,

She was erased in a short span of days.

Girls #4, #5, #6,

Were never much either

None seemed to matter to me as much as the first.

The dull spark could never compare to the roaring inferno of a first time,

a first night up awake at 3am thinking of a her,

a first night feeling at peace-

-with a lie.

Scrolling through pictures of Girl #1 made me realize that love was a never-ending roller coaster that circled around and around.

I would wake up to the same views from the same place

and damn was I sick of it.

In my short time on this Earth, I have managed to screw myself over to the point of misanthropy.

This roller coaster has restrained me,

Chained me,

Consumed me.

All I will do now is,

Step off.

Inspect.

Because maybe the issue isn’t with the machine,

or the seatbelt,

or the attractions

Maybe the issue is with me.

So here is a letter to all the girls I have loved in the past

Not only to the ones I held near and dear tangibly

But also to the passerbys who stole my heart

To the ones who never thought they were worth it:

I know one day you will find completion. Maybe you already have.

One day you will look up and say, I am complete.

You won’t say it, you’ll scream it.

The road may be long,

And there will be blood, sweat, and tears on that road.

Everything worth fighting for will.

On that course you have from Point A to Point B,

I wish you a lantern,

A beacon of hope,

A sign, anything

Anything that I never had in my darkest hours.

This road will hurt you

But it will not kill you.

In the end you will have someone who is your comfort underneath the covers

Someone to come home to

Someone who will think of the greater good before their needs

Someone who will love you infinitely

And someone who you will love infinitely as well.

Because who cares if you don’t fit into the fairy tale?

Who cares if you’re bold, softspoken, a deviation in the statistic, a follower, a dreamer, a sinner?

A winner, a loser, emotional, neurodivergent?

If you have any body type that could ever be imagined?

You deserve happiness just as much the people around you,

just as much as the woman you passed today in Costco,

the boy who was crying on the sidewalk,

The girl who smiled at nothing,

the man who honked at you on the freeway.

(Maybe today even a little more so.)

You were created in the perfect image of the world around you.

I know how it feels to not know which way to go.

I know.

But if you were looking at a map,

would you know which way to go

if you held it too close to your face?

Reach out,

zoom out,

breathe and absorb the sun that will one day be gone along with you.

The world is full of infinite possibilities and there will be people who love the ugliest parts of you

But in return you must use your love and everything you have to give,

and pour it into them,

whoever they may be.

Pour all of your love into the fissures of their soul

Love them in places where they cannot love themselves

This road will have many tries that will fail, but I promise you in this saltwater world you will eventually succeed if that is what you will it to be.

The will to love is stronger than any force on earth,

It is what makes us human.

And for the millionth time, you will cry.

You will sob and you will ache and you will feel hollow and sometimes even after that the road will not be over.

Go.

Run.

Stagger.

Push.

Need.

And on this road,

On your road,

I wish you well.

Somewhere along the line, Girl number something crossed my path.

And this time, this one has a name.

She loves me through the times I ramble

She loves me through the mess I make in my room

She loves me even though I burn the food

She loves me even though I cry too easily

Although I step on her feet when we dance, she loves me

Although I drool in my sleep, she loves me

She loves me

She loves me.

And if she truly loves me,

until the end of time,

only time itself will tell.

But I truly believe her when she says she adores me

And will never let me go.  

Girl number something did not start like this,

She originated as a friend,

A patient voice,

A listening ear,

A lantern.

A beacon of hope

When I thought my road was gone.

And instead of writing

With shaky hands

With teary eyes

Edgar Allan Poe once wrote

“But we loved with a love more than love”

Well I loved her more than me

I loved her more than shining stars

All above the sea

I began to write something new, something free

Edgar Allan Poe once wrote

“But we loved with a love more than love”

Well I loved her more than anything anyone could ever be

I loved her more than shining stars

All above the sea

And that girl was me.

The time was then to shout:

I am complete.

All the right things happened in all the right order,

Courtship

There were now moments of adventure

But also silence

Like the peace down the escalator,

When I looked up I caught her staring at me.

When the lights seemed too beautiful to be real,

Imperfectly perfect,

Safety.

Theater 10 felt right again.

And so did walking down that street.

Edgar Allan Poe once wrote

“But we loved with a love more than love”

Well I loved her more than me

I loved her more than shining stars

All above the sea

And that girl was she.

What do you think?

0 points
Upvote Downvote

Total votes: 0

Upvotes: 0

Upvotes percentage: 0.000000%

Downvotes: 0

Downvotes percentage: 0.000000%

Written by Catherine Horkay

Cat is a 5’0 junior in high school with dreams that reside much higher than her height. Her passions include academia, berry smoothies, and LGBTQ+ rights. (IG/TWIT: @catnipscarlet)

Comments

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Loading…