Poetry

From The Ground Up

This poem is a combination of reading the work of Rupi Kuar, which always leaves me feeling empowered yet vulnerable, and the let down from Christmas combining with the worlds reminders of my weaknesses and traumas. This is the blood, sweat, and tears, of 15 years.

 

you took everything from me

yet still i feel shame and not anger

you didn’t only scrape away at the most private part of me

you scraped your filthy fingers across my eyes as well

as if your disgusting hunger could not be satiated between my legs

you managed to root your darkness between my eyes as well

i cannot find solace in the words that have always managed to take me away

because now they bring me only into you

the words that drip from my fingers onto these pages do not carry relief

their only ability now is to clog my throat and wet my eyes

prohibit my mind from growing soft skin to cover the scars you have given me

i cannot leave that night on paper

because you put your fingers into me and etched your sickness onto my brain

i hope that you found your worth within me

i hope that you got something from erasing mine

because only someone broken can break someone so badly

there is no room for your fingerprints on my insides

there is no room for your breath to live inside my lungs

and my brain is marinated in it’s own sickness

too pickled for yours to take root

the walls around my heart are thicker now

and my eyes no longer so bright

it’s so much easier to see the grime ground into the woodwork of the world

and the light so much harder to find

the anger that you poisoned me with fired off at the wrong people

and the screams that were trapped in my throat that night are loud enough to fill every second of my days

you have destructed my home to it’s foundation

and i am left to build from the ground up with nothing but what you’ve left me

a mind emptied of its virtues and a body left shivering on the ground

eyes unable to cry and fingers bled dry

but my house will be strong

and warm

it’s walls will breathe the love and compassion that my heart cannot hold

and there will be no room for you

the curtains will be open and any trace of you will be blown away

and i will sit in the sun beneath my open windows

and know that you were the one left in the dark

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