Everyone seems to know what we should be and what makes one a woman. Everyone thinks that a woman either physically looks like worn out sheets in burnt out Soho, eye bags decorated on each eye like designer bags in the last seasons. Either you’re in your 30s to 40s; a woman is never measured neither compared to age nor physical appearances. So, what makes one a woman? How will a girl know if she has become a woman? I wrote this piece because of a guy I loved so much belittling me just because I’m skinny, raw, and an underage female. Just because I don’t look like what everyone expects. This is an excerpt from a book I’ll never get to publish. This is the slam poetry cafe that I cowardly bailed because I didn’t have the nerve to stand up for myself and express what I wanted to say.
God doesn’t bow to me, to all my needs but He loves me,
He loves me so much that He closed His eyes to the things I’ve done and taken me back when I crawl back to Him,
So He saved me and by saving me is breaking my heart,
Rather than putting me into a situation that I wouldn’t survive, He breaks my heart.
But He did just enough to not break my whole being,
I was sad, I was angry, my heart was everything but if He didn’t do it, I will lose myself,
and myself is everything,
I didn’t ask for this, neither do you!
all I’m saying is if you want to come back don’t hesitate, man up and come back.
I prayed every day for the things I have, for people that I love,
I pray because I am grateful,
and now it seems I pray every day for the things and people that I lost,
I wonder how did I get the strength to keep believing, I never understood the word ‘give up’.
all I asked is for you to be a man, come back and be a man, take responsibility and be a man,
You’re not a man, you’re a boy!
It must terrify you, pissed you off for having to forced to be a man,
You think I want this for me?
I was a girl and I have been to dark places no girl should go,
I was a girl when I have to see my daddy cry because his heart was broken,
I was a girl when I stayed up the whole night during school night because my mom tried to kill herself,
Drowning herself in the bathtub with too many pills, CLASSIC!
I was a girl when I have to be strong for both of them,
I was a girl and I have to close the door so that my brothers won’t see,
I was a girl when they abused themselves with words and threw things at each other,
And I took my brothers and sister with me and ran to the swimming pool,
So that they don’t see,
I was a little girl, damn it!
I was far too young to understand what in the hell is going on!
Can’t you see?
I wasn’t already a woman?
Are my physical isn’t too woman enough for you?
But I am a woman, I turned myself into a woman.
Because if I didn’t do this, WHO WILL?!
Who’s going to pick up the pieces when my momma left us,
Who’s gonna fix my daddy’s heart when he was the one who causes it,
I didn’t ask to be a woman, I didn’t ask to be strong, I didn’t ask to be broken,
I am just a girl and if you think you hear too much,
What a girl like me doing in a place like this?
What a girl like me see too much than a girl should see.
I am just a girl and I take what I have and drag it as far as my legs could carry me,
All I had was faith, all I had was hope though it is dark right now,
All I could think of is what comes after, all I could see is light,
So come what may FIGHT ME!
Be a man even though you’re far too young,
Be a man and take responsibility,
Be a man and find a way,
Although it’s too much but it didn’t stop me when I lost my childhood days,
Because I was too busy to fix my family, my priorities, to fix me.
So help me, look at me…
Am I not woman enough to you, am I too weak to see the truth?
I am not weak, I know what I want and I will get what I want,
I deserve more, I want more I should have more,
And I’m asking for it, it’s not selfish, I earned it.
God damn it!
So, look at me.
I was far too young to be a woman.