Content Warning: Abuse, Alcoholism
This is a poem about a father who is an alcoholic and abuses his daughter. Naturally, she is conflicted about what to do and has to first discern her feelings. It is hard to love an alcoholic; but it is even harder to not love your father.
I was afraid of you,
of your love for alcohol.
I hate you. But I idolize you.
Just as any daughter should do.
I hope you can feel my love now
Since your selfish hands beat my soul
I try to fight you but it’s hopeless.
I want you to leave me alone.
But I can’t bear to let you go.
You really are a troubled man.
Whose favorite lie is “I love you.”
Thank you in advance; I know you’ll eventually leave us alone.
But then how many years will it be
until we speak again?
Even then I just might say I love you.
Oh how badly I want to mean those words!
But you can’t replace what we never had.
You started this war in me
with every perfectly clear bottle of Corona.
The ones that ended up cracked later that night.
I always give you a chance.
You like it when we touch when we hug.
But I can’t seem to feel my fingertips or my arms anymore.
I’m terrified but I’ll never let it show.
Having you love me,
even if it was not kind,
was better than not having your love at all.
You made me afraid to ever be alone.
Kissed me on the cheek and held me tight,
Then beat me till I bled that same night.
You left your teeth marks in my skin
So I could never forget your smile.
They can’t ever say I didn’t scream loud enough.
Maybe this isn’t emotional abuse anymore.
I really think I hate you.
And all these things I did for you were never enough.
So please father, put the bottle down!
It’s hard to love an alcoholic
When my love is never enough.
So please daddy,
Tell me I was never something you could regret.
But I know that realizations don’t work like that.