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Never Have I Ever

A Poem About Sexual Assault

A kiss isn’t consent. And the stars can’t save you. I wrote this poem about something that happened, maybe to me, maybe to you, probably to people that don’t have voice enough to hurt through their words. This is my healing. I hope it can help. 

TRIGGER WARNING: SEXUAL ASSAULT

Did you know that I kissed him first?

It was all I wanted

I didn’t care about loosing that gold star

I conveniently forgot what was in his pants

because all I could think about was you

All i wanted was to be held and to look up at the sky

because you know the stars have always calmed me down

but this isn’t about you

He told me he loved me

and he got grass in my hair

He pushed me up against the wall of the church and cut me in half with his fingers

I don’t know if it was too dark for him to see me crying

Or if maybe he confused my sobs with moans

Or maybe he didn’t care

 

Did you know I was his first kiss?

Have I told you that the morning after he broke me he told me that he wanted me

he wanted me the way you never did

He told me I was beautiful and I let him touch the hair on the back of my head when he pulled me in close

But I suppose the stars weren’t enough for him

He wanted the sweetness that only you could have

And I confused no for give me another hit

he wouldn’t let me go

 

And it hurts

He fingered my mind out of me

You told me I may have finally lost you

and I know I lost myself,

just like how I lost that game because of the things that happened to my body

But what hurts the most

is now I am only a poet when I cry

What do you think?

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Written by Marlow Saucier

Marlow is a high school sophomore in New England and, among other things, they aspire to be a writer and activist. When NOT with their nose in a book, they can be found eating raw fish, crushing gender roles, making dad jokes, and practicing alternative Wicca. Their Instagram is @m.saucier where they can be easily reached.

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