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On Deepavali and Clinical Depression

As someone with major depressive disorder, I absolutely loathe how it controls me day to day and sucks the life out of every possible action. As a Hindu, Deepavali, or our festival of lights, has always been a cause for celebration; it becomes hard to celebrate when that light dims and starts looming ahead you.

Image credit Kushwaha

 

on the third day of Deepavali,

Depression burned its fingertips with diyas,

And

I slept next to a moth, plucked my hair

to count in seconds, lit a fire to my palms,

tallied liters in blood, bled for parasites

breathed in

prayed for obscenity, prayed for innocence,

surrendered the plasma

mourning in my arteries

held my breath

begged for light, begged for sentiment,

shivered for my mind to gain sentience, solidifying

my sludge of tears until they turned to brick

hold breath

begged for sunlight, swore to steal my neighbor’s

own breed of Somber

hold breath, wither in meditation,

mediate whether I laid between

the incinerator or the morgue,

beg for shelter, beg for morning

waited until my forehead scrubbed the feet of piety

waited until my skin turned to stone

 

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Written By

Vriddhi Vinay is a writer and social activist born in 2000 and living in Pennsylvania. A South Indian femme, they write fiction, nonfiction, and poetry surrounding topics of feminism, LGBTQIP, mental illness, leftism, and the Asian-American identity. They are also a staff writer for Affinity Magazine and has been featured in publications like Rookie Magazine. More of their work can be found at vvwritesstuff.tumblr.com for published writing, and feel free to follow any of their social media accounts: Twitter (@scaryammu), Instagram (@scaryammu), and personal Tumblr (@criesincurry.tumblr.com). https://medium.com/@Vriddhi.Vinay? . Want Vriddhi to write for you? Contact them via their email: vriddhi.vinay@gmail.com!

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