(this is part two! read part one here)
I threw up in the bushes and got lost in the forest trying to get out so I could find you again. I ate something bad. Something…really…really bad.
I felt the bile rise in my throat again and saw the vomit spew out of my mouth on the tree I was standing in front of. My head hurts so much. I just want to hug you again. To hold you in my arms and feel your warmth again.
I remember the first time I saw you. You walked into class all alone trying to be as small as possible, and for some reason, I thought it was cute. I didn’t call any attention to your entering, cause I could tell you were anxious, even though you weren’t even late. You sat next to me and stared straight ahead at the teacher as class started and I couldn’t look away from you for some reason. Something about you…seemed so sad? I don’t know. I just can’t stand to see anyone sad. Ever. I’ve always tried to make anyone who was sad around me smile.
I just didn’t realize that I’d make you smile by falling in love with you.
Speaking of that, I need to find you. I groan, and push myself into an upright position and immediately almost fall over. Why am I suddenly so dizzy?
You need me. I can’t just leave you alone. I’d love to just fall asleep in the grass but…something’s wrong. I need to get to you. You still need me, as much as it pains me to admit that. You shouldn’t need me or be reliant on me for your happiness. I want to help you cause I love you, but I don’t want you to be dependent on me. It’s damaging for you and for me, and it’s not why I love you
I remember when I first realized I loved you. It was when you were walking back to your dorm and I was walking with you. (We’d been dating for about 2 months now, and I remember when I asked you out in your dorm room, and you screamed ‘WHAT!?’ and then once you realized I was serious almost started crying trying to say ‘yes’. It was…sweet). But when I realized that I loved you, you’d been having a really good week and I could see a side of you that I didn’t get to see often and I realized that I wanted to spend as long as I could with you, just because of the side of you that was…who you were. When your depression wasn’t hurting you and you could genuinely enjoy things.
I hit my head on a tree branch and shouted out in pain. “Shit, that hurts,” I said. Well, I tried to say, but couldn’t. My voice wouldn’t come out and I started to feel a little worried. I had to get out of the forest now, or else I could die here. I felt so bad, my stomach was still trying to throw up and my head was starting to feel like a jackhammer was being driven into it. This wasn’t a normal case of food poisoning.
You and I have had quite an extensive history with food poisoning. I tried to cook for you so many times and I’d always end up getting sick cause I undercooked my food, but yours was fine.
The first time it happened you’d been so worried about my health, it was kind of funny on my end, even as I had my head in your dorm toilet puking my guts up. Your little freak out trying to make sure I was alright was so cute. I ended up staying with you in your dorm that night, after informing your roommate of what was going on. She was perfectly understanding and just asked that we didn’t try and do anything dirty while she was in the room. You’d been so embarrassed and flustered at the thought that I couldn’t help myself and almost laughed myself into getting sick again.
I wish you were here right now. I just want to hold you again. I just want to see your grey eyes light up as you see me. I want to make sure you’re alright. I can’t leave you yet, you’re so close to finally not needing me. The therapy is finally working, and the meds actually seem to be having an effect. I can’t leave you yet.
Last week, we were sitting underneath one of the campus trees, while you watched the clouds go by and I studied for my last exam. One of my old friends walked by and called us some particularly rude words and I yelled back at him to fuck off. You smiled at me and kissed me in front of him, like the time I kissed you in front of all of my friends. The friend who just yelled homophobic comments at us had sputtered in rage, his face beet-red, and stormed off. For some reason, this time he shouted ‘your both going to die one day!’ and ran off. I laughed as he left. I wouldn’t have ever become his friend if I’d known he was so homophobic in the first place. You went back to watching the clouds and I held your hand and smiled. I passed you my notes and asked you to quiz me while I stared at the clouds.
Now I’m in the middle of this forest and I can’t feel my hands anymore. They’re numb. It’s not even cold, but I can’t feel my hands…or my feet. I think. I manage to stumble a few more feet before I fall to my knees in a clearing. My stomach doesn’t seem upset anymore, but my headache is worse than ever and all I want to do is get back to you and hold you against my chest. Your too sweet and kind to be alone right now. Too precious to be as full of self-hate as you are, and I can’t help but miss you as I try to regain feeling in my hands and feet. But it’s not coming back. The headache is leaving, and the numbness is spreading up my arm slowly, and now I feel it in my shoulder.
I try to keep my eyes open and I try to stare at the canopy above me as the sun filters through the leaves, but my eyes are so heavy. I just want to sleep…the headaches gone….and I just want to feel you again and to hear your voice, and to see your eyes and to feel your lips on mine.
But everything is dark, and I can’t make the light come back. Everything is dark and I fight to make the light come back, I can’t leave you yet. For your sake, and because I don’t want to leave you yet. I just want to hold you again.
I just want….to hold you….again…