This poem is a combination of reading the work of Rupi Kuar, which always leaves me feeling empowered yet vulnerable, and the let down from Christmas combining with the worlds reminders of my weaknesses and traumas. This is the blood, sweat, and tears, of 15 years.
you took everything from me
yet still i feel shame and not anger
you didn’t only scrape away at the most private part of me
you scraped your filthy fingers across my eyes as well
as if your disgusting hunger could not be satiated between my legs
you managed to root your darkness between my eyes as well
i cannot find solace in the words that have always managed to take me away
because now they bring me only into you
the words that drip from my fingers onto these pages do not carry relief
their only ability now is to clog my throat and wet my eyes
prohibit my mind from growing soft skin to cover the scars you have given me
i cannot leave that night on paper
because you put your fingers into me and etched your sickness onto my brain
i hope that you found your worth within me
i hope that you got something from erasing mine
because only someone broken can break someone so badly
there is no room for your fingerprints on my insides
there is no room for your breath to live inside my lungs
and my brain is marinated in it’s own sickness
too pickled for yours to take root
the walls around my heart are thicker now
and my eyes no longer so bright
it’s so much easier to see the grime ground into the woodwork of the world
and the light so much harder to find
the anger that you poisoned me with fired off at the wrong people
and the screams that were trapped in my throat that night are loud enough to fill every second of my days
you have destructed my home to it’s foundation
and i am left to build from the ground up with nothing but what you’ve left me
a mind emptied of its virtues and a body left shivering on the ground
eyes unable to cry and fingers bled dry
but my house will be strong
and warm
it’s walls will breathe the love and compassion that my heart cannot hold
and there will be no room for you
the curtains will be open and any trace of you will be blown away
and i will sit in the sun beneath my open windows
and know that you were the one left in the dark
