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A Letter To a Former Lover: It’s 11:11

December 23, 20174 min read

It’s 11:11; I pressed myself at a corner and made a wish that has something to do with you. How many 11:11s should pass for me to finally live up a realized fantasy? Every day, I never fail to make a wish, a wish that may or may never be fulfilled.

All I ever dreamed is to be loved. I am tired of endless reveries that include you. You, who somehow made me believe that it is possible to love a girl like me. However, you still didn’t choose me, because you think I was too difficult to please. I’m sorry if my standards were too high for you. I’m just making sure that you can at least make me feel at ease, because you said I’m too complicated; you did, but it never lasted.

You had me when you were vulnerable; you told me you needed me. I stayed, but you ran away. Where did you go? You found another way, another light that will guide your path. I’m afraid that light was not me. Maybe that’s fate’s way of telling me that I should stop, wake up, and face reality. There will never be you and me.

By taking another road, you met someone. You chose her. But did she choose you? She didn’t. Now, who do you have? You have no one. I’m sorry this has to happen to you. I can’t say that you made bad decisions by not staying with me. Don’t worry, I’m not mad. I hope your heart will be healed soon. I hope that you will find someone who will meet your standards, who can mend you and who will support you. It’s not going to be me anymore; I will let you find someone else.

Although you left without goodbye and left me hanging, you are already forgiven. I will not cling to the idea that we will be back together. I will not ask for closure, because you hate it. Go on, move forward.

Thank you for being my source of happiness, whenever I feel like everyone is turning their back against me. I might be problematic, but you never made me feel that way. Thank you for staying, even if I want to isolate myself from this universe. Just know that I am thankful for everything you did.

Do you think love will find its way toward me? You’re the closest who got along the road, I can tell. It feels like I will never find someone like you, or maybe someone whose persona is closer to yours. My heart will always long for you. The space you left will never be filled, it will be empty forever. I’m sorry, it may seem that I lost you; honey, you lost me, too. Don’t come back, it’s better if we’re not together. The matches might light up and burn the both of us. We connected, but I’m good now. I’ll just let the thoughts of you to leave me alone. I hope that if we meet again, our smiles will be the same as the time we were together. Please promise me one thing, if we meet again, let’s not try again. You know how afraid I am. Thank you, and goodbye. Lastly, I’m sorry this letter does not contain many metaphors; I know how much you love them. You alone are a metaphor I would like to figure out, but I’m done now.

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Ricaella Reyes

an 18-year old science major who loves scribbling thoughts about life and everything in between; a medical doctor slash writer aspirant who keeps on being unfazed in this cynical world