Letter to Myself

January 23, 20182 min read

This was something I wrote to reflect quite a dark time and my eventual journey to self-recovery. Hopefully anyone who is going through anything similar will be able to see that it does get better. It does.

I don’t know why
I hate you
For as long as I can remember
Not enough to want you gone
For that would be removing myself also
Just enough to want to punish you
Change you, contort you, damage you
For being
For living, for breathing, for laughing, for crying
I hate you
I hated you

They knew
They tried to stop me, force me to feed you
I was smart though
I found ways
We were dizzy, oh so dizzy
Our heads would hurt, it would pound
And I would scream
Only so you would hear
The others couldn’t hear
I screamed a silent scream
That you weren’t good enough
You weren’t small enough
I wanted you to be smaller
And then we got better

They thought they fixed us
Their hard faces and hard voices
Hard comments and snide remarks
They loved us too — it wasn’t all bad
Maybe they did
Fix us
I’d like to think that I fixed us, that I decided not to hate you
Not to slowly kill you

I have wanted to say sorry
I’m sorry I hurt you
Never again
Loving you feels so natural that I can’t believe it is not something I did before
Loving you makes me feel free
I think the saying goes, treat others how you would like to be treated
Well I’m going to give you all the love in the world
Because you are me
And I want to be loved.

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