I Wished Someone Told Me

April 3, 20176 min read

He’s a memory Aziera, a beautiful memory but that doesn’t stop you from crawling back to him and that’s okay, it’s normal for some stupid reason. You will and sometimes in random days, you do. You’ll go back. Because you put him as the source of your happiness and now it sucks the life out of you.

It happens.

It does, and it dies too.

You can’t water a dead plant. It’s already dead but go ahead and water it until you feel it’s ugly and it becomes you. You will have the urge to stop watering it eventually. He was a good memory, a good once upon a time, but once upon a time is not something you will be looking for once you’re ready to put that book away. If you miss him, tell yourself it’s a phase. You might have to lie to yourself for now, but you’ll learn to believe it and it’ll become the truth. It is a phase, some took half of their lives, some took them a few months but it’s all up to you to time yourself and heal.

What are you up to now?

You can spend the entire hours of the day lying on the bed crying, (a good cry always helps). There are sad songs that can sustain that feeling but remember once you’re through, put yourself out there and learn to breathe again. Pull that thought that you thought he was your source and place it back to where it belongs. And that is what you used to believe in before there was him, or any of other hims before him. To place it back to where it belongs, and that is to you. You could be happy Aziera, but only if you let it.

Changes are always good, it means you grow, it molds you into the person you are meant to be. Don’t point a finger to the mirror just because you think you’re broken for good because you think the changes are bad. Do what you feel you need to do, do what you feel is best for you, as long you do it for you. And if it’s not okay, you also need to know that it is okay to not be okay too.

It’s okay to say that you’re not fine.

It’s okay to say that you do miss him.

It’s okay to admit that you think about him, and it’s completely okay to cry about it.

It’s okay to breakdown and decided to get through this.

It’s okay to scream, yell and be furious, throw your fist towards the sky! Don’t deny it.

So, it’s okay. You can act how you want to act that’s your reaction to things that hurt you. You don’t have to be strong to be strong sometimes you just have to lay down and feel. And not everyone is strong enough to express, some of them chose to suppress and it made them cold down the road; believe me, it gets worse down the line as all the heaviness on your shoulder started to pour out, and it gets too heaving.

Strength is not only by the weight on your shoulder that you have thrived, it’s also by the weight of your tears from hiding it behind that smile.This kind of strength is when you embrace the art of crying when you need to and not to stop it because you have to.

A little secret?

When you miss him don’t be sad about it, it probably the last time you will ever miss him. So, “La tahzan” (don’t be sad), let it come like the hurricane and let it leave like the wind breeze because the wind will only breeze for awhile and it will never be the same the next time it comes. It’s okay Aziera, don’t be afraid to say goodbye.

Time did me good, it would be kind to you too and I have no feelings at all towards him. I’m so happy, grateful and felt a little bit of blissful and I don’t even miss him, not even a slight. I had my time with him, it was nice but our path crossed only led ourselves to our significant other or maybe you found yourself along the way.

In time, all the special places you went with him feels like a place you went on an ordinary day and you will feel nothing. In time, you will forget most of the things that you have done with him, it was sad at first but then again if you keep the tainted memories, are you able to make room for the new good ones?

I knew I have to let go something before I’m able to let God attached me to something worth. Something worthwhile, it’s pretty something Aziera, it really does, trust me. Cross over when you think you’re ready, I’ll be waiting for you on the other side. Till then, I’ll see you soon.

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Fayra Farinna Shaharul Miza

I am a woman of colour. I have tan skin and I love it! I am a woman in hijab, and underneath this scarf there is a girl who perceives the world differently. I am a woman of the orient, where Asians are not just Chinese. We are more than that, we are diverse. I am tanned Muslim-Asian. Poetic, music enthusiast, loves travelling, slaying my two and a half years left to become the next civil engineer and if I'm in luck, a writer.