May 30, 20174 min read

I never thought I would have to face the pain of losing someone so close to me. In January of 2016, I lost my mother, who meant the world to me. Since then, I never really talked about it and I thought no one could possibly understand what I was going through. Eventually, I realized I wasn’t alone and began to work my way towards closure. A few weeks ago, I was assigned to write a poem for my English class about whatever we wanted. After a long while of testing some ideas, I had a breakthrough. So, I wrote this. This almost completely describes everything I felt the day I lost her.

It was a dark day, full of gloom.
Little did I know it would be the last time I saw you.
Even in our final moments, on your face the familiar smile
never faltered. Much of what I recall is tears
and wishing you were here to calm my fears.
But, knowing you are finally okay, I can move on and try to be happy.

For months I thought I could never be happy
as everything in my mind was nothing but gloomy.
I was trapped alone with my fears,
wanting nothing more than to be with you.
All I’ve done is shed too many tears.
All I’ve wished to do is smile.

Remembering that most of what you did was smile,
make sure I was happy,
and make sure I was satisfied, brings to my eyes, tears.
To my heart it brings ultimate gloom.
There is not one moment any day where I do not think of you.
However, knowing you now watch over me begins to soothe my fears

I understand now that you lived in much fear.
But, you masked it with your beautiful smile.
I am sorry I was not there for you
as you were for me. I am sorry I put my own happiness
before yours. I am sorry I was so blind to your gloom,
as well as your tears.

You tried so hard to hide your tears
and all of your fears.
Knowing I just sat there and let you hide it, engulfs me with gloom
I believed that you were okay because you always smiled.
I believed that you were always happy.
But, little did I know, it was quite the opposite for you.

I would do anything to be able to hug you,
to be in your company again, and to share tears.
Maybe this would make me happy.
Maybe this could rid me of many of my fears.
If you and I could share another laugh and smile,
maybe I would not be stuck in so much gloom.

I wish I treasured our last smiles and moments of happiness.
For now I sit, slumped in gloom and fears,
longing for you to wipe away my tears.


P.S: This poem is written in the format of a Sestina. A Sestina is “a poem of six six-line stanzas and a three-line envoy, originally without rhyme, in which each stanza repeats the end words of the lines of the first stanza, but in a different order, the envoy using the six words again,three in the middle of the lines and three at the end.” 

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Abby Johnson

Abby is a 16-year-old from Northern Illinois. She spends the majority of her time reading, singing, and participating in theatrical performances.