August 17, 20172 min read

This year has been one in which I’ve learned about myself and my body in ways I had previously never even fathomed. At times, my body seemed meaningful and my direction in life intentional. But in other moments, I felt dissatisfied with the person I had become and the people I found around me. This poem is about a boy. He wasn’t bad or cruel or horrible… but he wasn’t for me. Our relationship made me fear the idea of settling for something that wasn’t good enough. In turn, I was trapped by the standard I had spent the last year trying to defy.

He asked me if I wanted the lights on or off:
it had been a horribly thought out question.
Either way, the sunlight would trickle in through his windows because the blinds no longer worked.
Either way, I would still see the curve of his neck as it met his shoulders
and still feel every reason I had for being with him and for not being with him at the same time.

He approached me.
In a slightly sick sense of the word it felt like fate,
Not because it was bad per say,
but because it was nothing.
It felt as if I was fated to watch television reruns,
live in a suburban town that was just out of reach of a city,
gain more weight than I had wanted,
and all the while still be his girl.

I never imagined that fate could be as ordinary as the way sunlight catches the dusty air of a boy’s bedroom,
and as completely uncomplex as me answering I didn’t care either way.

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Alisa Caira

Alisa Caira is a senior at Newton North High School. When she's not writing her poetry or short stories, you can find her involved in activism or working on her clothing brand not your dad's. She is currently working on her second novel and first poetry anthology. However, for now, she is focusing on enjoying her final year of high school and the friends she has there.

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